A Communal Response to Charedim

We need to take a stand.

With the charedi rabbinic and political leadership, accompanied by most of their following, not only refusing to help with the war, but also making it harder for everyone else, not caring, and now even openly declaring a state of war with the rest of the country, how should the rest of us respond?

In the past I’ve spoken about how ultimately, change will only happen when the funding which enables their freeloading lifestyle is cut off. This is turn requires massive popular campaigning to make them as politically toxic as their distortion of Torah, along with stopping private donations to charedi institutions.

Still, there are also other areas which are relevant.

Many of us IDF-serving families have colleagues, neighbors, friends, and relatives who are charedi to a lesser or greater degree. The war has placed a great strain on these relationships. The question is, what should those relationships look like under these circumstances?

There are two Dati Torah scholars that I greatly respect who have diametrically opposed views on this issue. One of them feels that despite the charedi approach being fundamentally wrong in every way, we should not let it affect personal relationships. The other feels that this is a critical juncture in history, a time for reacting just as when the Sadducees and others broke with the rest of the Jewish People. We should not count them for a minyan, not eat their shechitah, etc., a total boycott.

After much thought and discussion, my position is in the middle.

In some cases, and for some people, it’s easier to stand up for a position rather than to smile and go along with things. But in other cases, and for other people, it’s easier to smile and go along with things than stand up for a position.

Which should we do? It depends on the circumstances. For example, pretty much everyone now accepts that if your child leaves religious observance, you should still treat them with full love and acceptance, as difficult as it may be. On the other hand, at some points in Jewish history, sitting shiva over a child who married out was communally important even if your personal preference was not to let it get in the way of love and acceptance.

The current situation is very, very harmful and dangerous. It is wrong to act as if nothing is happening. Every one of us has an obligation to try to make change. And it’s important to demonstrate that we in the religious community profoundly object to the charedi approach and are deeply hurt by it in many ways.

This is especially important because many charedim are under the impression that it’s only “secular Torah-hating Leftists” who strongly object to the charedi approach, while the Dati communiy is fine with it and even respects it. Rabbi Mordechai Neugerschal made this claim in his notorious Ramat Beit Shemesh presentation last year. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had charedim tell me that the only reason I’m against their approach is because I have a grudge due to my books being banned twenty years ago!

Sending a clear message of how hurt we are by them and how much suffering they end up causing in our community will not necessarily create instant change. But you can’t measure social impact by immediate results. Often it’s about planting seeds, which bear fruit further down the line. And sometimes when they find out that their friends and neighbors are horrified and deeply hurt by their way of life, this can shock them into rethinking things and making different decisions further down the line. It’s likewise crucial to battle the pernicious falsehood being spread that “achdus” means not protesting the charedi utter lack of achdus.

So, what does this look like in practice? I’m open to ideas, but one area of particular relevance is weddings.

Charedi weddings, especially in Anglo circles, are often an instance where charedim and non-charedim come together physically if not ideologically. Charedim probably don’t realize this, but for their non-charedi guests, these weddings can be extremely emotionally painful. There is so much suffering in our communities and our young men sacrifice so much; at dati weddings, amidst the ferocious celebration of life, there are tears and injured people and missing people. Then you go to a charedi wedding, where the young men dance away and enjoy life without a care in the world, while the older people chat about what their kids are doing in yeshiva or on vacation. I know people who have had to walk out of weddings because they just couldn’t emotionally handle the contrast and the disconnect.

Should we just swallow the pain and participate anyway? I think it’s perfectly legitimate that if someone finds it too painful, they should leave (or not attend). They don’t need to feel guilty about it. Still, I don’t think that this means that in general, Dati people should boycott charedi weddings.

But there’s one thing with which I think we all, as a community, need to take a stand.

One of the shocking contrasts of many charedi weddings with dati weddings is that at many charedi weddings, there isn’t even any acknowledgement that there’s a war going on. This is sometimes because for them, there really isn’t a war going on. But it’s also because they are often actively opposed to acknowledging the sacrifice that the soldiers are making, as has been explicitly stated by several charedi rabbis in both Israel and the United States.

Some of them might vaguely recite Tehillim for “the matzav,” which can conveniently refer to the risk to all of us from Iran and so on, but forfend that they should actually specify the soldiers who sacrifice so much for us all, (even though they profess to believe that directed prayer is extraordinarily powerful). The reason for this is that it might blur the boundaries between charedim and everyone else, which for them is worse than going against the Torah and basic Jewish moral values.

I believe that we members of Am Yisrael should make it clear that we will not participate in such weddings. Not just because it’s painful, but because it’s not right.

We break a glass at weddings because at a time of greatest celebration, we must remember that all is not well in the world. We recite a statement that our tongues should cleave to our mouths if we forget about the tragedy of the Destruction of Jerusalem. How on earth can we not make a reference to the suffering that so many people are going through right now, as part of a sacrifice that is being made on behalf of us all - and which charedim are freeloading off?!

Remember, it’s not as though charedim don’t want there to be an army. They very much want there to be one; they just personally don’t want to participate. Their political leadership supported the resulting increase of army service for everyone else! The absolute minimum that they must do is acknowledge the sacrifice that everyone is making for them. It doesn’t have to be the official Misheberach for Tzahal, it can be Tehillim or something else, but it must explicitly acknowledge the sacrifice of the soldiers (and not with professing them to be equal in this to yeshiva students, as they nauseatingly do in some quasi-charedi shuls).

And if they can’t even make that simple factual acknowledgement, that easy teeny-tiny gesture of concern, then no matter how painful it might for us to create a rift in the relationship, we must make it clear that there is no genuine relationship there anyway.