Bye Bye Bye
What Anglo-Charedim need to understand about their Dati friends
Recently I was chatting with a dati (national-religious) neighbor who, like many Anglos in Ramat Beit Shemesh, has friends spanning both the charedi and dati community here. She told me that she feels as though she’s done with having a mixed social life. Not that she is judging her charedi friends or has anything against them personally; she knows that they moved to Israel with a spirit of idealism, and understands that they joined the charedi community because they simply didn’t realize what it involved (as did I!), and are more-or-less trapped in their way of life. But she’s simply not interested in hearing from her friends about how their sons are learning really well in yeshiva, or how they had a great ski trip to Georgia, while her own sons are lucky if they manage to get out of their reserve duty for Pesach to be with their families. It’s just too painful.
This is something that I’ve heard from many people. I don’t think that charedim realize just how upsetting it is for others to see charedi young men coming home for a relaxing Shabbos or taking strolls in the park or dancing at weddings without a care in the world, while their own husbands or sons are away in combat for years of regular service and endless months of reserve duty. Yes, it’s a tremendous privilege for the men in our community to perform the mitzvah of defending their nation, but it still comes at a huge cost, especially if they are married. And their service has become even longer because of the manpower shortage in the IDF, that the charedi community refuses to help solve. Many soldiers are now expected to do two months of reserve duty every year until they are forty-five, due to charedim refusing to share the burden.
Now, I have heard some people in the Dati community argue that this should not affect one’s personal relationships with neighbors, friends or family. But I’ve heard far more people say, How can it not? The emotional strain is enormous. Here’s two quotes from a collection that I posted a while back:
“You note that “they have been avoiding socializing with their relatives since October 7th״ - Very close relatives like siblings. And even friends. When we lost a cherished member of our community. A soldier who was only 21 years old. Killed by an RPG to his armored vehicle. Someone who was very close friends with my son. It broke us. I couldn’t talk to my sister in-laws whose children have made a conscious decision to learn Torah instead of fighting for klal yisrael. Not only that but they didn’t call nor did their children who were not fighting. It’s as if they have no connection to what we are going through. Since then I had a very hard time davening at Massas Mordechai in RBS. I felt that all the charedim and black hatters davening with all their kavana are fakers. Their tehillim seemed empty. Sorry that’s how we feel. And many dati leumi feel the same.” - Ari
“I am surrounded by wonderful, Torani Dati Leumi families who have sons fighting for months, including two friends who have LOST sons, and my Anglo-Charedi family and friends continue to turn their backs on the entire situation. I too have stopped socializing with certain people because I just can no longer stomach it. The feelings of frustration, pain, and anger are very real.” - Chaya
Many people feel that this is not something that they should try to overcome. Rather, for their own mental health, they need to cut down on their social interactions with their charedi neighbors/ friends/ relatives. And some further feel that it’s actually important for charedim (especially Anglos, who tend to be naive about these things) to realize that the Dati community is not okay with the chareidi lack of participation in national responsibility and the consequences of this for everyone else. (Many of these naive charedim have been fooled by polemicists and politicians who claim that Dati rabbis are fine with it and that it’s only “Leftist” agitators who are firing people up about it.)
This is also playing out at a political level. All polls show that the Religious Zionist party is getting precisely zero seats in the next election. Its voters are repulsed by Smotrich and its other MKs enabling billions of shekels to be passed to charedim in yeshiva grants and various welfare subsidies while no serious attempt is made to enlist them and there are no consequences to them for not serving. And they are also acutely aware of the gravity of the problem with the IDF manpower shortage. In the next election, these people will vote for right-wing parties (such as those led by Bennett or Lieberman) that will not sell out the country and endanger its future by buying out charedim.
Note that dati people often feel more resentment towards charedim than do secular Jews. The reason is that (A) the dati community is by far paying the highest price in this war, due to the disproportionate number of combat soldiers that we provide, and (B) while some secular Jews may feel that charedim are at least keeping Judaism going, dati’im know that living a life of Torah and mitzvot is what the dati’im are doing, not what the charedim are doing.
Most dati’im have simply had it with the charedi world. It reminds me of a hit song from 25 years ago that has made a revival this year. Called Bye Bye Bye, it’s about someone ending a relationship because he has been hit with the truth that he is being taken advantage of. He’s been shouldering the responsibilities for both of them, and when he was experiencing a personal crisis, the other person was not there for them. And he’s just not interested in such a one-sided relationship continuing. “I'm checking out, I'm signing off, I don't want to be the loser and I've had enough. It ain’t no lie, bye bye bye.”
The people of Israel are in a long-term struggle for survival. If you’re not going to be a part of that, then you’re not part of us. Bye bye bye.
See too these posts:
Thanks for writing this. This is exactly how I feel. Since 7th October 2023, my 2 sons and my son-in-law have all done around 250 days of active service each. My SIL is in at the moment and when he finishes PG, my 2 sons will have to leave their families and jobs to do 10 weeks of miluim. I thought I was doing a lot when I had to do 40 days a year, every year, when I was a combat reservist. Back then we also moaned about the fact that the burden wasn't being shared equally. Today though, the feeling is that we can't carry on like this any longer. I find it difficult to get on with my brother at the moment whose sons and sons-in-law have avoided military service by going to Yeshivah. I had it out with him a few months ago. I know that he is not too comfortable with the whole situation as he was in a combat unit (as was our late father who fought in the War of Independence) but still I find it difficult to relate to my nephews and nephews in law as I hold them partially responsible for the fact that my own sons and SIL have to shoulder the burden that they have shirked.
it is obviously extremely hard to have a son fighting, and risking his life, and I am extremely sympathetic and grateful. But the fact that your son is doing it is not logically a reason why a Charedi has to make the same sacrifice and have the same worry about their sons. Your argument is not logical; its purely emotional. Charedim are not forcing your son to serve; their perspective is that anyone who wants to learn Torah all day should be able to. They're completely consistent. Your world chooses to combine learning and service, and you do that because you want to, and you believe it's right. If it's too painful to have sons fighting, then send them to Yeshivas that aren't Hesder. Or start pushing to stop the draft entirely. But you obviously feel that it's worth it, and that's your right, but Charedim are entitled to feel differently as long as they're not being inconsistent. It is illogical when you scapegoat the Charedim for not having the same worries about their kids that you do for yours. That might resonate emotionally, but is actually not compelling at all.