Friday, February 22, 2013

Purim Humor: A Treasury Of Classic Stories For Kinderlach

A Purim Guest Post By Rabbi Eli D. Clark
Purim 2013
A TREASURY OF CLASSIC STORIES FOR KINDERLACH

Der Drei Kleiner Chazzeirimlach
 
Once upon a time there were three little pink kosher animals with curly tails named Shmuli, Tuli and Smartest-in-Schooli. Their mother, whose name is inconsequential, sent them to learn Torah and get an online degree in neuropsychology.
Each one went out to build a beis medrashel. To leave more time for learning Torah, Shmuli built his beis medrash of straw. Tuli collected leftover schach after Sukkos and built his beis medrash from sticks. Smartest-in-Schooli received a loan from the Small Business Administration, collected Section 8 vouchers, obtained Pell Grants and guaranteed student loans, and built a beis medrash from bricks.
Along came the Big Bad Feminist and banged on Shmuli’s door. “Little prig, little prig, let me lead the hakofos!” Shmuli answered, “No, you can’t. It’s against the Torah’s hashkafos!” “Then I’ll hora with the Torah, and force my way in.” And she did.
The Big Bad Feminist banged on Tuli’s door. “Now I want to learn Gemara. Little prig, little prig, let me start reden in lernen!” Tuli answered, “No, no. It’s assur for women to have that yearning!” “Then I’ll learn at Stern, and I’ll argue my way in.” And she did.
The Big Bad Feminist banged on Smartest-in-Schooli’s door. “Now I want to be a rabbi. Little prig, little prig, let me learn Yoreh De’oh!” “Not on your life, you Apikoyres, you Cholerya! “Then I’ll huff and I’ll puff, and I’ll blow your walls down.”
But the brick walls were too strong. Shmuli, Tuli and Smartest-in-Schooli continued to learn Torah undisturbed. Furious, the Big Bad Feminist climbed onto the roof of the beis medrash and jumped down the chimney. She fell straight into a fiery pan of gribenes. This caused her cholesterol level to skyrocket, and she was never heard from again.

The Pea and the Not-Princess
 
Malka Feldensteinowitz was desperate to find her son Mendel a kalloh. Only she couldn’t be one of those spoiled JAPs, a princess. But how to make sure? Malka instructed her son to go to the hotel lobby before the date, locate the plushest, softest chair in the room, and place a small dried pea under the cushion. During the date, the girl would sit on the chair. If she felt the pea, the verdict was clear – no shidduch! The plan worked. Date after date, every girl sat in the chair and complained how uncomfortable she was. Then Mendel took out a girl named Shprintze Rochel. She sat on the chair with the pea. “Does it feel okay?” he asked. “Just fine,” she replied. An hour later, Mendel asked her, “Is the chair comfortable?” “Couldn’t be better,” answered Shprintze Rochel. After another hour, he inquired, “How’s the chair?” “Great,” she said. At the end of the date, Mendel was bursting with excitement. He rushed home to tell his mother that he had found his true bashert!
Sadly, Shprintze Rochel was not interested in Mendel. “He spent the whole evening talking about furniture, staring at my seat, and muttering about pea.”


The Matzo Brei Man
 
Once upon a time, on Paysach, a kindly balabusta made matzo brei for her husband, who learned part-time in Kollel and worked part-time as a coat rack. She fried the matzo brei in butter, then shaped it into the figure of a person, adding raisins for eyes, a fruit slice for a mouth, and strands of bean sprouts for tzitzis. Suddenly, the Matzo Brei Man jumped up and ran out the door, shouting, “Run, run, run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me, I’m the Matzo Brei Man!” “Never mind,” said her husband. “He is gebrokts, so we can’t eat him any way.” So they did not run after him.
He ran past a cow. “Run, run, run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me, I’m the Matzo Brei Man!” “Looks tasty,” thought the cow. “But matzo makes me constipated.” So the cow did not run after him.
He ran past a horse. “Run, run, run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me, I’m the Matzo Brei Man!” The horse licked his lips at the sight of the Matzo Brei Man. “I love fried foods, but the trans fats will give me a heart attack.” So the horse did not run after him.
He came to a river. “If I get wet, I will fall apart,” said the Matzo Brei Man. A fox appeared and said, “I will help you across the river. Ride on my back and you won’t get wet.” Halfway across the river, the Matzo Brei Man heard the fox making the berocho of “Borei Minei Mezonos”. “He probably brought along a snack to eat,” thought the Matzo Brei Man, who was fast, but wasn’t very quick. Before he could even say “Omen,” the Matzo Brei Man felt himself thrown in the air, and the fox gobbled him up. After savoring his yummy snack, the fox realized he had behaved badly. “I just remembered – I’m still fleishig!”


Goldenlutz and the Three Baers
 
One Shabbos a boy named Goldenlutz went to visit his friend, Laibie Baer. He knocked on the door. No one answered. Goldenlutz entered the kitchen and found three boxes of cereal on the table. He examined the first box. “This hechsher is too permissive.” He read the second box. “This hechsher is too chassidish.” He checked the third box. “This hechsher is just right.” And he finished the entire box. Goldenlutz walked into the Baers’ living room. He saw three shtenders with an open Gemara on each. Goldenlutz started learning from the first Gemara. “This sugya is too hard.” He tried the second Gemara. “This sugya is too easy.” He looked at the third Gemara. “This sugya is just right.” Goldenlutz started shuckling vigorously, until the shtender broke. “Now it’s muktzeh,” he said and went to take a nap.
He went upstairs and found three beds. The first bed was pointed East-West. “That’s against the Shulchon Oruch,” Goldenlutz said. The second bed was pointed South-North. “That’s against the Zohar,” he said. The third bed was pointed North-South. That’s the pesak of the Mishnoh Beruroh,” he said and went to sleep.
Papa Baer and his sons Chezkie and Laibie came home. “Someone’s been touching my cereal box,” said Papa Baer. “Someone’s been touching my cereal box,” said Chezkie Baer. “Someone’s been touching my cereal box,” said Laibie Baer, “and it’s all gone.” Papa Baer smiled. “Interesting choice,” he said.
The Baers went into the living room. “Someone’s been learning my Gemara,” said Papa Baer. “Someone’s been learning my Gemara,” said Chezkie Baer. “Someone’s been learning my Gemara,” said Laibie Baer, “and they broke my shtender and left the pieces all over.” Papa Baer smiled some more. “Yes they did,” he agreed.
The Baers went upstairs. “Someone’s been looking at my bed,” said Papa Baer. “Someone’s been looking at my bed,” said Chezkie Baer. “Someone’s been looking at my bed,” said Laibie Baer, “and he’s sleeping in it.” Papa Baer smiled even more. “Yes he is,” he agreed.
Goldenlutz woke up and saw the Baers. “I am really sorry,” he said. Papa Baer said, “Never mind, my boy. You ate Laibie’s cereal with the right hechsher. You left the muktzeh pieces of shtender on the floor. You chose the only bed that follows the Mishnoh Beruroh. You passed the test. Would you like to marry my daughter?”
“Help!” Goldenlutz screamed, and he ran out the door and never came back.


The Little Red Socialist
 
Once upon a time, there was a Little Red Socialist, who lived in Eretz Yisroel with a Mekubal, a Chossid, and a Misnaged. One day, the Little Red Socialist decided to build a kibbutz. “Who will help me?” asked the Little Red Socialist. “Not I,” said the Mekubal. “Not I,” said the Chossid. “Not I,” said the Misnaged. “We’re too busy learning Torah. “Then I will do it myself,” said the Little Red Socialist. And he did.
When the Arabs attacked, the Little Red Socialist asked, “Who will help me fight?” “Not I,” said the Mekubal. “Not I,” said the Chossid. “Not I,” said the Misnaged. “We’re too busy learning Torah. “Then I will do it myself,” said the Little Red Socialist. And he did.
When the fighting subsided, the Little Red Socialist asked, “Who will help me build the economy?” “Not I,” said the Mekubal. “Not I,” said the Chossid. “Not I,” said the Misnaged. “We’re too busy learning Torah. “Then I will do it myself,” said the Little Red Socialist. And he did.
After 60 years, the Little Red Socialist asked, “Who will help me enjoy the bounty?” “I will,” said the Mekubal. “I will,” said the Chossid. “I will,” said the Misnaged. And they did.


Copyright © 2013 by Eli D. Clark
All Rights Reserved

17 comments:

  1. brilliant! I especially laughed with the pea one!Now where's the one with the mean shvigger whose daughter in law Sh"n"ai'dy was more talented than her own daughter?

    ReplyDelete
  2. Good morning Rabbi Slifkin.
    May i humbly ask you to perhaps tone down your rherotic when commenting on the mass open ended kollel/not serving in army issue which often comes up in this blog.
    From the charedi viewpoint since unfortunately there are millions of jews in the Holy Land who are mechallel shabbos, have illicit relationships, are gay etc etc rachmono litzlan, there needs to be a balance and the scales need to be tipped to the other direction.
    Since no one is knocking on your door for funds, instead the money is flowing in from abroad please Rabbi try and see the view from the other side without having to condemn it.
    The learning of Torah props up judaism more than any other mitzva, so please stop rallying against the gedolim who are just trying to be responsible and have a broader view of the picture

    ReplyDelete

  3. First of all, I didn't write this post.

    Second, with regard to your claim about the need to tip the scales: There are unfortunately many Jews who divorce their wives without a proper get. Maybe we should all divorce our wives with a proper get, to tip the scales in the other direction?

    Since no one is knocking on your door for funds

    They most certainly are! And they are in a terrible situation, because they ignored Chazal's dictates about learning a trade and supporting one's family.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Hilarious! But I think you missed the part where the little red socialist asked Uncle Sam for money (and weapons, and UN backing, etc.)

    ReplyDelete
  5. An old, but brilliant, Eli Clark purim torah can be read here:
    http://www.scribd.com/doc/84499188/

    ReplyDelete
  6. Brilliant, absolutely brilliant

    ReplyDelete
  7. The funniest statement was about the Socialist building the economy. Until the Likud revolution Israel had a typical gray socialistic economy and was considered a tzedaka case for the Jews of the West.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Eli4: And all the religious Jews who keep 613 mitzvot, daven three times a day, learn regularly, and still manage to work and serve in the army- what are they, chopped liver? God doesn't take them into account?

    ReplyDelete
  9. If only the horse had realized the matza brei man was fried in butter, and so had no trans fats at all!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Bitter, political, and most certainly not for kinderlach!

    There are legitimate conversations to be had, but can't you give it a rest at least once a year?

    ReplyDelete
  11. Bitter, political, and most certainly not for kinderlach!

    You do understand that the "for kinderlach" is part of the humor, no?

    There are legitimate conversations to be had, but can't you give it a rest at least once a year?

    You do know that it is Purim now, no? If there is one day of the year for this...

    ReplyDelete
  12. Rabbi I like reading your views ,I find you a breath of fresh air. But this ?

    Humor should be subtle, not hit you over the head with a baseball bat .

    Calling this Jewish humor would get Jackie Mason to file charges of libel.

    ReplyDelete
  13. "You do understand that the "for kinderlach" is part of the humor, no?"

    Of course, and my use of "for kinderlach" was part also part of the humor!


    "You do know that it is Purim now, no? If there is one day of the year for this..."

    That's my point. It's lame to use Purim as a platform to deride the yeshiva world. (If a chareidi Rabbi used Purim to mock and make fun of rationalists, Zionists, etc.,you would be outraged. Rabbi Slifkin might even have a posting about it on this blog!)

    Maybe next year, "Rabbi Clark" can post a dvar torah on, I don't know, the Megilah?


    ReplyDelete
  14. Why did you put "Rabbi Clark" in quotation marks?

    ReplyDelete
  15. "Why did you put "Rabbi Clark" in quotation marks?"

    Not sure who he is or what he normally goes by. ("Eli"? "Dominic"? "Rabbi Clark"?)

    Although the post wasn't very rabbinic, I'm not questioning his rabbinical bona fides ). If I was, I'd have written "Rabbi" Clark.

    Anyway, my point stands.

    p.s. Many of the other readers described the post as "brilliant". Not quite. They should read P. G. Wodehouse, or perhaps Oscar Wilde, who was definitely NOT chareidi.



    ReplyDelete
  16. Weaver (aka Eli4, Eli Benaim, Winston, Moshe, Saul Lustington Yanky Doodle) can you not give the rabbi benefit of the doubt just once? as a purim post, i gave it a good laugh

    ReplyDelete
  17. "You do understand that the "for kinderlach" is part of the humor, no?"

    Of course, and my use of "for kinderlach" was part also part of the humor!

    OK, my apologies, things do fly over my head.

    "You do know that it is Purim now, no? If there is one day of the year for this..."

    That's my point. It's lame to use Purim as a platform to deride the yeshiva world. (If a chareidi Rabbi used Purim to mock and make fun of rationalists, Zionists, etc.,you would be outraged. Rabbi Slifkin might even have a posting about it on this blog!)

    I don't think I'd be outraged, but who know? I do think that there is a tradition on Purim that allows for humor that would be out of bounds at other times of year. For example, students poking fun at the administration and Rebbeim of a Yeshiva is something that is done often on Purim, but would be out of bounds the rest of the year.

    p.s. Many of the other readers described the post as "brilliant". Not quite. They should read P. G. Wodehouse, or perhaps Oscar Wilde, who was definitely NOT chareidi.

    Humor is context sensitive. There are many readers of this blog who are probably steeped in two different cultures: Orthodox Jewish + one other (in my case "American"). Juxtaposing the two is something that I do find humor in and others do as well. YMMV.

    I once heard someone call Reggie Jackson "the original Marcheshvan" (apparently and old well-known joke). It's not Oscar Wilde, but for the right person, it is extremely humorous.

    ReplyDelete

Comments for this blog are moderated. Please see this post about the comments policy for details. ANONYMOUS COMMENTS WILL NOT BE POSTED - please use either your real name or a pseudonym.